So, There I Was
by Kasey
Summary: An odd day at my computer, including in order of appearance Omi, Tot, Nagi, Schuldich, Youji, and Farfarello. Shameless humor, puns, and other bad jokes. PG for slight language.


This is for Lilie! You're the best, love!  
  
---  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing except the pictures in my head. Pickles is a real stuffed bunny. No plushies were harmed in the writing of this fic.  
  
Warning: Humor, bad jokes, talking thesauruses, minor Tot-bashing, and so on, compliments of my skewed sense of humor. Omi+Nagi, Shu+Farf, self insert.  
  
Author: Kasey  
  
Archive: Not unless I send it to you.  
  
Status: Complete, self-edited.  
  
Key: /italics/ and *emphasis*  
  
---  
  
"...So, There I Was..."  
  
---  
  
Hi! I'm the author! Also the narrator, writer, novelist, composer... But that's a problem for my thesaurus to fix. This is a tale of me, and my friends, and of course, my trusty sidekick and best friend in the entire world--the computer that sits in front of me this very moment.  
  
It was a week ago... no, make that two weeks ago. Three? I don't know. It was a while ago, and my friend Lilie and I were discussing a recent obsession. Yes, you know what it is. It got to you, too, didn't it?! Didn't it?!? Weiss Kreuz. Flower boys, psychic assassins, true love, real enemies... all summed up in one expression: *Yum!!*  
  
So, there we were, talking. I was explaining my plans to exercise a frequently unused printer belonging to my paternal parental unit, on the sly, of course, and what did Lilie say?  
  
Lilie: Naughty!  
  
Can you believe it? She called me naughty. So, of course, innocent little me came up with a rebuttal:  
  
Kasey: Who? Me?  
  
To this, Lilie replied in laughter.  
  
Lilie: No, the rabbit hiding behind you!!! Who else?!  
  
Well, this surprised me, because I wasn't aware there was a rabbit behind me. I quickly turned in my seat and, low and behold, a rabbit! (trumpet fanfare: du-du-daaah!)  
  
Now, this wasn't just any rabbit. This particular rabbit has a very nice pelt of cream-colored muslin, a flowered dress of blues and whites, petticoats, and a feather hat. I later discovered that it had no name, so for the purpose of this recollection, we will call it Pickles.  
  
So, there was Pickles, sitting behind me in that horrifying feather hat (with ribbons). Just as Lilie said! I, unfortunately, had no idea why exactly Lilie was upset with this rabbit, but naughty rabbits must be punished!  
  
I whirled around, and gave Pickles the talking-to of it's lettuce-munching life.  
  
Kasey: Bad rabbit! Bad rabbit!  
  
So, there I was, cussing out Pickles something awful, and Omi steps out from behind my hard-drive, and gives me this rather funny look. It's that look when one eyebrow is raised, and the other's down, and the big blue eyes (which Pickles started staring lovingly into, by the way) have that "Why are you beating up on a stuffed bunny?" look in them.  
  
Omi: Why are you beating up on a stuffed bunny?  
  
Well, I looked down at Pickles, who was still staring lovingly into Omi's big blue eyes, and noticed that not only were there feathers and ribbons, but that hat had lace, too. Ugh! Then, before I could formulate an answer, it happened.  
  
Out of nowhere (actually, from behind the saxophone on the table under the window next to my stereo on top of the dresser), Tot came running and screaming at me. She couldn't run very far, seeing as my room is small, and she tripped over my keyboard and landed on my briefcase. An umbrella went flying, and punctured a picture of a 1981 Harley Davidson on the wall. Not the Harley!!  
  
Before I could even think of prices for Tot to pay me back for these valuable items she had just defaced, the blue-haired trumpet was back on her feet.  
  
Thesaurus: "Trumpet" does not describe a girl.  
  
Kasey: Oh. Typo. Fine. "...the blue haired trombone..."  
  
Thesaurus: Perhaps you mean "strumpet."  
  
Kasey: Trumpet, strumpet, whatever. Screw it. She's a strudel. Where was I?  
  
The blueberry strudel was back on her feet.  
  
Tot: I charge you with violating the laws laid down by the SPCA!! That's the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals! Stop hurting that bunny!  
  
Kasey: Hah!  
  
For, you see, I am immune to the laws of the SPCA. No sooner had Tot spoken, than I reached into my back pocket, and pulled out my wallet. I opened it, and shoved the first card in Tot's face.  
  
Tot: WAAAHHH!!!!  
  
Through the torrent of tears, I couldn't help but grin. I pulled the card back, and tucked it safely away in my wallet. For, you see, I am a registered member of PETA, the "People for Eating Tasty Animals."  
  
Soon, however, Tot began to get angry. I could tell, because Omi (who was fending off a very lovesick Pickles) dove behind my bed. I was considering joining him there (for multiple reasons, only one of which included escaping the dreadful noises that Tot was creating), when Nagi burst into the scene from behind the collection of stuffed panda bears.  
  
Nagi: I can't stand it anymore!  
  
Nagi jumped towards me, and just before I could grab hi... excuse me... Just before we collided, he pushed me out of the way. I saw him reach out, and I shrieked. He was heading towards my ash, fiberglass-faced, thirty lb-pull Bearcat longbow, with murder in his eyes! I yelled again.  
  
Kasey: No! Not that! Anything but that!  
  
But Nagi didn't hear me. He kept on going. He passed by the Bearcat, towards my dresser. He reached in, pulled out my running shorts, and from the depths of spandex-space (that's a Gundam Wing joke, don't blame me), produced a Magnum. I yelled again.  
  
Kasey: Where the hell did *that* come from?!  
  
Nagi spun around in midair, and aimed towards Tot. He landed firmly on his feet, eliciting a squeak from the hedgehog squeaky-toy that he stepped on.  
  
Jube the Hedgehog: Squee-ack!!  
  
Tot screamed again.  
  
Tot: You stepped on a hedgehog!! I charge *you* with violating the laws of the SPCA!!  
  
Omi and I rolled our eyes and checked our hearing.  
  
Kasey: Testing, testing... one, two, three... three, two, one. Can you hear me?  
  
Omi: (rolling eyes)  
  
Nagi roared in anger.  
  
Nagi: Augh!  
  
With Tot's image firmly in the cross-hairs, Nagi spent five minutes explaining how he couldn't stand Tot, was sick of something called a Rabbi-chan, was tired of baby-blue hair, really hated umbrellas...  
  
Omi: Don't forget me!  
  
Nagi: And I'm in love with Omi!! Not Tot! No Tot, no Toto, no bunny-huggers with bad fashion sense!  
  
Tot: But, but... why?!  
  
Nagi: Omi feeds me *before* the rabbits!  
  
At this point, Omi justified this to me in a low voice.  
Omi: It's easier that way... Also, we don't *have* rabbits...  
  
Nagi: So, Tot... Shi-ne!!  
  
Kasey: Isn't that Aya's line?  
  
Tot: WAH!  
  
Magnum: BANG!!  
  
Nagi: HAH!  
  
Tot slumped to the floor, lifeless. From nowhere (actually, from my 1980s model Bic Venturi speakers), music began to play. It was... Lord of the Dance.  
  
Kasey: Lord of the Dance?  
  
I kicked my radio.  
  
Speakers: *sputtercracklesputt--*-dum-dump. Bada-dum-dum-dump...And another one gone, another one gone... Another one bites the dust!  
  
And there was much rejoicing!  
  
Omi: Yes!!  
  
Nagi: I did it! I did it! Farfie couldn't kill her but I DID!! Haha! Bwahahahaha--  
  
Omi: Nagi...  
  
Nagi: --Hahahaaa...huhm...eh? Yes?  
  
Omi: I love you. Don't make me commit you.  
  
I sighed as Omi, and then Nagi, professed each their undying love for the other. Omi kissed Nagi, and Nagi kissed Omi back. Omi reached around Nagi... and about that time, I reached around my telephone for the kleenex box.  
  
Just as I thought that my little adventure was ending, I heard noises from behind the bomber jacket in my closet. Then...  
  
Schuldich: Nagi!! You little rat! What the hell did you do with my Magnum?!  
  
Omi gulped, and quickly hid behind Nagi, straightening his shirt. Nagi looked down at the gun that was still in his hand, and noticed a small "S" inscribed into the metal.  
Nagi: Oops.  
  
Nagi took a step back, the first move he'd made since landing and aiming at Tot.  
  
Jube the Hedgehog: Squee-urck!  
  
At this point, I reached for my discarded running shorts, figuring, hey, if Nagi can do it, why can't I? I reached in, and pulled out... a pair of sunglasses. Immediately, from the other end of the house, I heard a horrible scream.  
  
Youji: ACK! My eyes! Sunlight! Daylight! I can't see! Help!! Somebody, anybody!!  
  
I put the glasses back, and the screams died away. Schuldich, Nagi, and Omi were blinking in the direction Youji's voice had come from, and I tried again. This time, I pulled out... a strap.  
  
Kasey: What the heck is this?  
  
I kept pulling. Attached to the strap, there was... cloth?  
  
Nagi: Uh-oh.  
  
The cloth was covering... a leg? And the strap was attached to... more cloth? And another leg?  
  
Omi: Uh-oh.  
  
Now, I was marvelling at these legs. They were *very* nice legs, and I was enjoying pulling them out of spandex-space. Soon I came upon... a shirt!  
  
Schuldich: Heheh...  
  
About this time, I realized that something Very Bad was going to happen to me. I jumped out of the way just in time, and Farfarello jumped out of my shorts.  
  
Schuldich: You'd spend better time in my shorts, Farf...  
  
I eyed my running shorts nervously. However, I did not get much time to contemplate the pros and cons of spandex-space, because Farfarello had found Tot.  
  
Farfarello: Toy!  
  
Schuldich: I think it's broken.  
  
Farfarello: Let me see...  
  
Farfarello kicked Tot and... nothing happened. So, he kicked her again. And again. He pouted. Pickles, who had been sitting on Omi's shoulder, abruptly (like the fickle rabbit it is) fell in love with Farfie's full lips, pale skin, and golden eye (author initiates break to take a long drink of water... Hot!!... end break.), and started fawning over Farfarello.  
  
Thesaurus: How does a rabbit "fawn" over someone?  
  
Kasey: They get twitter-pated, that's how. Stop interrupting me. Now I'm lost, again...  
  
Farfarello: Darn toys never include batteries anymore...  
  
Schuldich: Nagi! I still want my Magnum back!  
  
Nagi returned the gun to Schuldich, who fired a few more shots into Tot's (unbloody, for the sake of preserving my room) body.  
  
Omi smiled happily, and led Nagi back behind my hard-drive. They walked away, into the shadows, and suddenly, they disappeared.  
  
Kasey: I knew there was a black hole back there...  
  
Schuldich sniffled.  
  
Schuldich: Our little Nagi... all grown up... and getting off with boyfriends! *sniff!*  
  
Kasey: Uh... you mean *going* off with boyfriends... Right?  
  
Farfarello patted Schuldich's arm.  
  
Farfarello: It's okay, Schu. We knew it was going to happen sometime.  
  
Schuldich: But he grew up so *fast!*  
  
I was sitting there, trying to contemplate Schuldich having mothering instincts, when I realized that Tot's (ugh) body was still sitting in my room. While Farfie comforted Schu, and Pickles drooled all over Farfie, I threw Tot out the window, into the compost heap.  
  
Younger Brother: Oh, *yuck*! Who threw *that* out?!  
  
Kasey: I did! It was messing up my room.  
  
Younger Brother: Well, if you leave it there, it's gonna poison next year's mint...  
  
So, I shut the window. *Nothing* can kill spearmint. Let that be a lesson to you.  
  
Farfarello: Hey! Where'd my toy go?  
Kasey: It was broken. I threw it out.  
  
Farfarello: What?!  
  
Ever heard of survival of the fittest? Survival of the fittest means that those who fittest bestest into the niche on the top shelf in the closet, where Farfarello can't reach... those people survive.  
  
Farfarello: New toy! New toy!  
  
Kasey: No! Get away! Shoo! Bad Farf, bad!  
  
Farfarello: New toy!  
  
I must pride myself on quick thinking. For, you see, up until this point, I kept a small but fashionable knife hidden among the unicorns, plaid flannel, and bowling balls on the top shelf in the closet. Upon inspiration, I reached for the knife, and bared the (keen, recently sharpened, freshly polished, easy-to-use, razor-sharp, cold, steel) blade to the air. Farfarello's eye widened.  
  
Farfarello: Oooh.....  
  
I waved the knife back and forth, and Farfie's head followed like a cat watching liverwurst.  
  
Thesaurus: "...A cat watching a bird," would be a better analogy.  
  
Kasey: Shove it, you oppressive connotation demon.  
  
Back to the story.  
  
Kasey: Want this?  
  
Farfarello: Oooh.....  
  
I looked to Schuldich, my eyes pleading for help.  
  
Kasey: Help!  
  
Schuldich reached up, and took the knife out of my hand. Farfarello watched the knife, and moved away from me.  
  
Kasey: *Whew!*  
  
Schuldich: Here, Farfie, Farfie, Farfie...  
  
Farfarello: Oooh.....  
  
Schuldich looked at me, and gave me a wink which did things to my fragile hormone balance that I won't discuss, right now.  
  
Schuldich: He gets *real* fun when there's a knife involved.  
  
As he spoke, Schuldich lured Farfie back into the depths of the closet, past the bomber jacket, past the Hawaiian print shirt, past the leather vest and the leftover camo-pants... I could still faintly hear said red-head speaking.  
  
Schuldich: Here, Farfie, Farfie, Farf--Oooh.....  
  
Farfarello: Heheheh...  
  
---  
---  
  
But you see, that was all weeks ago. Now, the rabbit, which is still wearing that beastly hat (which has little fake flowers, too), is hanging upside down from my bow-string, awaiting execution.  
  
The Younger Brother got sick of the smell of decomposing perfume, and bagged Tot's leftovers. The garbage men took her away.  
  
I recently got an email from Nagi and Omi, who claim to have found some sort of Shangri'la in my hard-drive. I think they've remodelled the place, because I can't remember the last time my computer crashed (knock on wood).  
  
A few hours after Schuldich and Farfarello disappeared... noisily... into the back of my closet, I decided to investigate. After researching methods online and in "Archaeology" magazine, I gathered my hard-hat, machete, steel-toed boots, the Idiot's Guide to Excavations, and a clove of garlic, and entered my closet. Half an hour later, I reached the back wall, but there was no sign of either man. Maybe another day.  
  
Now, Lilie, back to you.  
  
---  
---  
  



End file.
